satisfaction.

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“God no longer satisfied her either. Asamoah was real. Tangible. His arms were as thick as yams, and his skin as brown. If God was why, then Asamoah was yes and yes again.”

–  Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi

I haven’t finished reading Homegoing yet but it is amazing. Both as a novel and a critique of history. As she takes you from the Gold Coast to America, from the plantations to the coal mines, Gyasi makes you question others as well as yourself. Following the lives of two sisters and the generations that follow them, Homegoing is a story about history and the present as she shows us just how deeply it has shaped us all.

It’s a story about history, power, love, faith and much more. But one thing that I did not expect was for it to make me think spiritually.

I remember during my final years of uni when I took modules such as Latin American Politics and Africa and International Politics, learning about the savage missionaries and the ways in which they chose to spread the love of Christ. It made me question my faith. How could I believe in a God that allowed such atrocities to be done in His name? As I grappled with these questions I came to both accept and understand that although as Christian’s we follow Christ, we do no always do it truly. If I were to judge myself with the same brush, I would make God a liar and a cheat.

So when I read Homegoing, the stories of the missionaries did not shake me as it once would have, but what shook me, was the story of Akua. I do not want to spoil the story so I’ll allow you to just read the extract above. For me, those lines were personal. You could easily replace Asamoah with another person, or thing and there goes my autobiography.

For a while, God has felt like a distant being. Always present but never near. Everything in this life was real and tangible. Appealing. Satisfying. Fun.

What I wanted is instant gratification. I want to post the picture and see the likes. I want to post the story and see the blue boxes come in. But with God, it doesn’t work like that. I say the prayer and have to wait. I do the fast and get hungry, then thirsty and then I have to wait again. He is real…really good at working at His own time. So for me, it becomes easier to think carnally, rather than spiritually. It becomes easier to justify sin. To find loopholes because my time is instant, so by the time that my clock aligns with God’s I can repent. Say sorry, make an excuse and hope that He will forgive me.

One of my prayers for this month, is that I will be able to sit back more and accept God’s timing. I pray that I will be able to understand that I am where I am right now because of God and that I will be able to trust in His word. I know His word but it’s not that I forget it, it’s more that I often choose to ignore it. Brush past it and make some of my own minor adjustments.

So please pray for me.

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